Why Forgiveness Is the Secret to Stronger Romantic Relationships

In previous posts, I defined forgiveness as letting go of the pain experienced by another person's actions. So, unforgiveness is hoarding the pain and resentment, which affects all relationships and produces losses in relationships and time that you can never recoup.

Before you keep reading, go back to the last blog post and review the list of people who have hurt you. Really look at that list and take in the hurt you've been carrying around. How many years have you been carrying that pain? Sadly, many people enter into romantic relationships still carrying the pain caused by parents, siblings, past loves, or friends. Time passes, and most people believe that time heals all wounds. NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! Time doesn't heal any wounds; people simply become good at compartmentalizing until someone new pokes at that old wound.

In this series, I've written about forgiveness in all relationships. Now, let's bring it home—how does forgiveness or unforgiveness play out in romantic relationships? What happens when your spouse hurts you deeply?

No matter how much love exists in a relationship, we're all human and bound to make mistakes. Misunderstandings, thoughtless words, or moments of frustration are inevitable when two people share their lives. However, this isn't about those slip-ups. We are talking about those wounds that require many stitches and a lot of time to heal.

Leaky Faucet Forgiveness - Drip, Drip, Drip

Perhaps you believe that you have to work to receive forgiveness, so you make others do the same. I call this type of forgiveness the leaky faucet forgiveness. This person subscribes to not talking for days or weeks, giving the offender time to reflect and feel bad about their poor behavior and time to bend over backwards to earn forgiveness. The more sorrow is demonstrated, the more the hurt person reengages. Unfortunately, this works against the hurt person because the longer the pair goes without repairing the damage, the greater the emotional distance between them grows.

A few reasons people struggle to forgive include selfishness, pride, or a lack of understanding about how to forgive.

Perhaps your spouse broke a promise, and you think your spouse should be severely punished, so you withhold your love, affection, sex, or money. Sometimes people deny that they've been hurt and proclaim, "I didn't care anyway," "It didn't bother me," "I knew I couldn't trust them anyway." These are all protective mechanisms that deny the extent of the hurt or explain away the pain to protect your pride. You may not get as angry about the situation or similar situations, so you think you've forgiven your spouse. Compartmentalization isn't the same as forgiveness. As mentioned above, time doesn't heal all wounds. If time were a factor, past pain wouldn't impact present relationships.

Regardless of the reasons, refusing to forgive your spouse results in you being emotionally constipated. You become confused about how to respond, and you fail to recognize that you feel unsettled, irritated, frustrated, anxious, depressed, discouraged, worthless, uncertain, or rejected. Most offenses strike at the greatest wound - rejection. So you bury the hurt and build walls to shield yourself from being hurt again. Caught in the tornado of these feelings, you likely engage in self-sabotaging overindulgent behaviors such as overeating, excessive drinking, excessive shopping, excessive smoking, overworking, excessive sleeping, or taking other drugs. You don't want to end the relationship, but how do you function in a relationship when you're walled off? The walls isolate you and distort how you connect with your spouse. One by one, it is time to dismantle your walls and forgive your spouse.

Forgiveness is not optional in healthy relationships, but how do you do it? Below is one method to forgive.

Hurt person - How to forgive?

1. Become aware of your feelings about the situation. Take stock to assess other memories or other emotions that come up for you. If needed, reach out to a close friend to help you work through the feelings.

2. Accept your spouse for who they are today! Don't demand that your spouse change to receive your forgiveness. Remember, true change happens when a person feels loved and accepted for who they are.

3. Recognize that you are deciding to forgive your spouse based on how you desire to conduct yourself, not based on their actions. Your spouse cannot do enough to undo the pain you feel. What happens if they hurt you again? You cannot drive a car looking backwards.

4. Restore your emotional connection with your spouse. For some, this will be hard, likely because steps 1-3 haven't been fully executed. If this is difficult, you may need some help to work through your pain. A great support system can encourage, challenge, and emotionally support you through this and other experiences.

5. Don't keep a tally of bad behaviors. If bad behaviors persist, consider each behavior as unique, as you are a different person each time. Lean on your support system and seek wise counsel to help determine if you need to separate yourself from your spouse's destructive behaviors.

Forgiveness is not just for the hurt person. If you've hurt your spouse and you're seeking their forgiveness, there are steps you can take, too.

The Offender - How to seek forgiveness?

Being disappointed in yourself or knowing that you'll do certain bad behaviors again, some people can only see themselves as bad actors who make bad decisions. This thinking feeds feelings of shame and guilt and is akin to you sentencing yourself to a lifetime of punishment. You may never say it, but you live life as if "I don't deserve… because I…." If you want to live life differently, then do things differently. Consider these steps as a starting point to doing things differently.

1. Evaluate your feelings about the situation. When else have you felt these feelings? Why did you do what you did? A great support system can encourage, challenge, and emotionally support you, helping you see the situation and your spouse from a different perspective.

2. Reflect on the ways your behaviors have impacted your spouse. If your spouse did what you did, how would you feel? If your child's spouse treated your child the way you treated your spouse, how would you feel?

3. Say "I'm sorry for…" There are different ways to apologize, but most people would accept their spouse taking accountability for their actions and apologizing. Additionally, this can serve as the first step to repairing the broken emotional connection.

4. Try to keep your spouse's feelings top of mind. Commit to your support system to protect your spouse physically, emotionally, and verbally from your actions or the actions of others.

5. Accept that there will likely be consequences for your actions.

6. Give your support system permission or request that they keep you accountable.

7. Forgive yourself. Some people live in unforgiveness because they cannot accept that they are forgiven. If this is you, seek help from trusted, wiser individuals.

Forgiveness is the cornerstone of healthy romantic relationships. When trust is broken or feelings are hurt, the pain can feel overwhelming, leaving you questioning how to move forward. However, learning how to forgive within the context of a loving relationship is critical for the relationship, for your emotional and physical well-being. It's a process that takes time, patience, and effort. Still, the rewards of rebuilding an emotional connection and fostering mutual growth are immeasurable.

If you normalize forgiveness and forgive others quickly, forgiveness has the power to transform your life. Writing about forgiveness highlights the grace given by God. I'm so grateful that God's forgiveness is immediate, unearned, and has no limits. Try forgiving your spouse immediately today!