For mere humans, forgiveness is hard!
Forgiveness. You’ve heard —how freeing it is, how important it is for healing, and how it’s the key to moving forward. But forgiveness is hard for real. It’s messy, uncomfortable, and often feels impossible when the wounds are deep. Whether it’s betrayal, abandonment, or broken promises, the pain can linger long after the moment has passed. And while time may dull the sting, it doesn’t always mean you’ve truly let go. So, how do you face the weight of unforgiveness? If you’ve ever struggled with forgiving someone, you’re not alone—this is for you.
You've spent time acting like the events either didn't happen or didn't bother you. You put the people and events in a box, sealed it, and buried it. As I previously stated forgiveness is difficult because your feelings are usually justified in the moment. Additionally, forgiveness is difficult because it is compartmentalized. So how do you face the weight of unforgiveness? First, acknowledge it exists; acknowledge the offenses and the associated emotions.
Someone abandoned you.
Someone failed to protect you.
Someone used you.
Someone lied to you.
Someone stole from you.
Someone cheated on you.
Someone betrayed you.
Someone manipulated you.
Someone said, "I'll never..." and then they did that very thing.
Now, time has passed, but you still remember what they did. If someone says their name, you may become defensive and change the subject. Feelings of dread come over you at the thought of being in the same room with that person. Let that song come on that reminds you of them, and it will ruin your day or maybe just a portion of it.
Or perhaps you've taken a different approach—you’ve convinced yourself that if you don’t think about them and if you don’t see them, then you’re good. And with the passing of enough time, you don’t get as angry, so you must’ve forgiven them. Right?
But what about the walls you've built up? The walls that were meant to protect you from getting hurt again are now standing between you and the people who genuinely care about you. You hesitate to trust others, second-guessing their intentions, always wondering if they’ll hurt you the same way. Innocent gestures or words from new people in your life can feel like threats. You distance yourself from people who haven’t done anything wrong because vulnerability feels too dangerous. You lash out over something small because it reminds you of a bigger betrayal. Or you struggle to open up, afraid that sharing too much could give someone the power to hurt you again.
The truth is, regardless of how high your walls are, this pain doesn’t stay contained. It finds its way into every corner of your life, shaping how you see the world and how you interact with others. It’s like a shadow that follows you, even when you think you’re moving forward.
So, where does that leave you? How do you move through the hurt without letting it control you? What does forgiveness even look like when the pain feels this deep?
Step one. Get some paper and write down everyone who has hurt you and the ways they hurt you. Each person gets their own sheet of paper. Try writing for about 15-20 minutes each day over the next 3-5 days. Once you're at a good stopping point, add more context to the identified offenses and use the categories below to group them. Just like the bad experience at a store, you'll likely remember the bad experiences more than the good.
Categories: Abandonment. Lack of protection. Took advantage. Lied. Stole. Cheated. Betrayed. Manipulated.
As you review your notes, you might begin to notice recurring themes in the offenses. Perhaps certain people in your life repeatedly crossed boundaries, or maybe the pain stems from unmet expectations that left lasting scars. Often, these patterns reveal more about your relationships, your views on vulnerability, and what you value most. Recognizing these trends isn’t about blaming yourself or others—it’s about understanding where the pain originates and how it has influenced your life.
What patterns do you notice?
Example thought patterns:
You thought, if you are nice, no one will ever leave you.
You thought, If you showered a person with gifts, they will always love you.
You thought, having sex everyday meant your relationship would last.
You thought, all the good ones are taken.
What patterns with women do you notice? What do you think you believe about women?
Example thought patterns:
Women cannot be trusted.
Women will inevitably hurt you.
You may feel that relying on women for emotional or physical support will lead to betrayal.
Women are manipulative; they always have a hidden agenda.
What patterns with men do you notice? What do you think you believe about men?
Example thought patterns:
Keeping your guard up is the only way to protect yourself from being abandoned.
Men are unreliable and cannot be trusted.
Men are only interested in sex.
Men are liars.
What patterns with romantic partners do you notice? What do you think you believe about romantic partners?
Example thought patterns:
They will only love you until they get what they want.
Being vulnerable will lead to rejection or pain.
They cannot provide consistent emotional support.
Trusting them too much will result in betrayal.
Keep money hidden for a rainy day when they mess up.
You might also find that some of these wounds are tied to unresolved feelings or situations where you didn’t have the opportunity to express your hurt. Holding onto these unresolved emotions can create a cycle of resentment, bitterness, or mistrust. Acknowledging these patterns can work with this first step in breaking free from that cycle.
While thinking about past pain might feel overwhelming, it’s a significant step towards clarity. It allows you to see beyond the individual offenses and understand the broader impact they’ve had on you. This insight can serve as a guide in navigating forgiveness, healing, and creating stronger, healthier boundaries moving forward.
This exercise may bring up feelings of sadness, hopelessness, revenge, disappointment or a host of other emotions. Regardless of the emotions, you will likely need to take some time to mourn what happened and mourn the person you were before the offenses in order to continue on this path of forgiveness.
Well… we’ll talk more in depth about forgiveness and romantic relationships next time.