Strengthening Your Relationship Through Fondness and Admiration
A husband tenderly kisses his wife's forehead, creating a moment of connection during the chilly season.
In any long-term relationship, the initial spark of romance naturally evolves. Life gets busy, routines set in, and the grand gestures often give way to the daily grind of paying bills and coordinating pick-ups and drop-offs, and work travel schedules. Over time, some couples find themselves focusing more on what's wrong than what's right. Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, identifies a powerful antidote to this decay: sharing fondness and admiration.
This simple yet profound practice is a cornerstone of his Sound Relationship House model, acting as a buffer against negativity and a constant source of positive energy. It's the conscious act of seeing the good in your partner and vocalizing it. When fondness and admiration are abundant, a relationship can weather almost any storm. If this element is missing, it may be time to seek guidance, and a qualified Plano therapist can help you rebuild this foundation.
What is the Fondness and Admiration System?
The fondness and admiration system is essentially your internal bank of positive feelings toward your spouse. It’s the respect you have for them as a person, the appreciation for their unique qualities, and the warm, affectionate thoughts you hold. It's not just about grand compliments; it's about noticing the small things, the way they handle a stressful situation with grace, their quirky sense of humor, or their dedication to their family.
When this system is strong, you feel a general sense of positivity about your person. You genuinely like them. This positive perspective acts as a shield during conflict. If you fundamentally admire and respect your spouse, you're more likely to give them the benefit of the doubt during a disagreement, rather than seeing them as the enemy. A lack of fondness is a serious red flag, often indicating a need for professional help through marriage counseling in Plano, Texas.
Why Is It So Crucial for a Healthy Relationship?
A thriving fondness and admiration system prevents a relationship from slipping into contempt, which Gottman identifies as the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt is a toxic mix of criticism and disgust, where spouses view each other from a position of superiority. Fondness and admiration oppose contempt.
Actively appreciating your spouse fuels emotional connection and intimacy. It reminds both of you why you chose each other in the first place. This practice validates your partner, making them feel seen, valued, and loved. This positive reinforcement creates an upward spiral where both individuals are more motivated to be the best versions of themselves for each other. Experienced counselors in Plano, TX often begin their work with couples by exploring this very dynamic.
How to Rebuild and Strengthen Fondness and Admiration
What if the well of positive feelings feels dry? It's possible to intentionally rebuild this system, even if it has been neglected. It requires a conscious shift in perspective and consistent effort. Many couples find that couples therapy in Plano, TX, provides a structured environment to practice these skills.
Here are some practical ways to cultivate fondness and admiration:
1. The I Appreciate Exercise
Make it a daily habit to find one thing you appreciate about your partner and share it with them. It doesn't have to be monumental. It could be as simple as, "I appreciate you making coffee this morning," or "I really admired how you handled the kids arguing." The key is consistency.
2. Relive the Good Times
Set aside time to look through old photos or tell stories about the beginning of your relationship. Talk about your first date, what you first found attractive about each other, or a favorite shared memory. This exercise helps you reconnect with the positive feelings that brought you together. A counselor in Plano, TX, might guide you through this process to help you rediscover those foundational emotions.
3. Shift Your Scanning Mechanism
We often get into the habit of scanning our environment and our spouse for what's wrong. Make a conscious effort to scan for what’s right. Catch them doing something good. Did they see a need and meet a need without being asked? Did they say something kind to you? Acknowledge it, even if it's just a thought in your head. This internal shift will change how you perceive and interact with them.
4. Express Affection Physically
Physical touch, such as holding hands, a hug, or a kiss, can reinforce feelings of fondness. These small acts of connection can speak volumes and rekindle a sense of warmth and affection between you.
If you find that contempt and negativity have already taken deep root, it can be difficult to reverse this pattern on your own. Seeking professional support through marriage therapy in Plano can provide you with the tools and guidance to heal your connection. A skilled therapist will help you and your partner learn how to communicate your appreciation and rebuild a relationship based on mutual respect and admiration.